To my blue heart lady,
(yes, that’s how I can best describe you!)
Its not very often when I talk my heart out to somebody; not that I don’t like to share how I feel, but however hard I may try, it just doesn’t seem to happen. I just can’t get myself to find the right words. But like every normal person who dreams of having a love filled life, a dreamer, I too wonder of times when I’ll be able to have all that I’ve yearned for – love, more love!
So today, when I’m yearning for so much of it, I’m willing to empty out my pockets to you. I’m willing to share all of it with you. And mind you, only with YOU.
You may think that you’ve reached your lowest point, but then there’s more to you. And it comes out when you least expect it to. And it surprises you with how much you can still take in, how much you can truly endure. It tells you, always, that you are more than who you’ve thought of yourself to be. But if it hasn’t come out yet, maybe you haven’t had much to take in, and haven’t reached the lowest yet!
Just the other day, I read somewhere that somebody got her soulmate’s first few words tattooed, and I wondered how my first few words would suit your wrist maybe, and I swear, I burst into a laugh. Imagine having ‘Rejected piece’ tattooed on any part of your body! God, such a nightmare it would be, right?
Anyway, keeping the joke aside, I know you’ve lost enough people lately, most for the good though. And you’ve had to deal with it all alone (actually, not literally). I’m sorry I left you all by yourself with no notice at all. But I guess that’s how it was meant to be. That was probably one of his strategies, you know, to help us both grow stronger.
But there’s more that I wanted to tell you. I wanted to say to you that things may not be okay between you and your father, at the moment, and that’s fine. It’s okay for you to shut yourself up in a corner and close the doors for us all. I do not mind when you refuse to meet me on the very few occasions when I can see you, even though deep inside I’m constantly begging for you to turn up. Its alright to have lost both those people whom you referred to as your best friends. Things will eventually fall in place.
We all have those phases. Everybody does. You need to just trust the wait. It’s going to be worth it. I promise!
Its hard to believe how we met, randomly spoke utter shit and nonsense to each other, and then something happened. There was a spark. Yes, that was it. We never had to say it. You’d know how I felt and what I just needed. And I can never forget how you landed up at my home just after a few pleadings from me, when I had a fractured leg. And that day I had so many things to tell you, to show you – my love for Hopetown, topped the list, with many more to follow. I remember that was the first time I cried in front of you – cause this one person didn’t treat me well, despite everything.
I’d seen you many times before we started getting along well. You always seemed to come to my notice. We’d never talk. But I remember having seen you so many times before, cheering my team for the sake of having somebody to cheer yours too! *winks*
Well, come to think of it 3 years later, its absolute magic to me. Nothing more beautiful, other than Hopetown of course, has ever happened to me. And with you, even when we’re sitting on the last bench of a sweaty warm room, I can feel the cool breeze of our cold winter rides blowing in my face.
I can’t describe to you how content I feel when you write to me a long note, in your scribbled haywire handwriting, that you see the soul of an 80 year old woman hiding under the skin of my 20 year old childish face, and your timing is fabulous – you said this when I was fighting with the rest of my world, hoping for them too, to be able to see a brighter side of me. And then I think of all the times when you’ve been too low, and I wonder how you could miss all that beauty inside of yourself when you could spot that little thing buried deep inside me, just two days after I met you for the first time. And in that moment, I wish I’d been there for you. I wish I’d been with you, to rub your back when you cried and tell you that your nose had turned red. I wish for a lot of things to happen, but sadly none do.
Listen to me. I’m going to come back. I’m going to fix all of this up. I’m going to make it alright again. Its really messed up here and I do not know how long it will take for me to tidy this up, but I promise I’m going to come back. It may not be soon enough, but just hold on please. Hold on to me, and to yourself.
And every time something pulls you down to emptiness and gloom, tell yourself that the game has begun – Chal beta, Khel shuru ho gaya hai! Breathe deeply. Hold yourself firm and calm. Just keep hoping. Shayad kuch chamatkaar ho hi jaaye. You will make it through, just like you made through all the storms previously. And tell yourself that you haven’t come this far to give up now.
Think of all the good things that have happened to you. Even the thought of my mickey mouse like brows could make you smile. Recall the marigold smell that you think I emanate. I want to be around you, but because I can’t, I want you to smile with all our good times going on in your head.
While I’m typing this, I wonder how your face will look when you read this for the first time, wanting to read through all the lines in one single gaze, and I wonder what I’d say to you if I were sitting right next to you; maybe I’d just say what I’ve told you earlier – our grand kids will have to listen to our ‘kisse of togetherness’. I wish I could have written this out on an A4 size paper with black ink, in my handwriting, neatly, everything like I usually do, and then read it out to you in my voice, in the right tone, with the right pauses, and then fold it back and hand it to you. And I know you’re smiling right now, reading this.
Dear blue heart, you’ve got so much love inside. Give it to yourself. You deserve it more than anybody else does. And though I may not say it to you as often as you do, I love you too. And I miss you terribly. And I miss singing the nukkad choruses with you. I miss discussing our plays, before our team allowed us to. I miss discussing how that guy in that play looked so cute, and then stalk that team for his details maybe. I miss memorizing those songs and singing them over and over again, until the others – who didn’t belong to the nukkad family – shoved us away.
We’re going to have our share of the good times soon. With so much wait, maybe he’s planning a huge surprise for us. Trust the wait. Trust your gut. Trust me. And wait! We’ll be back. All the pieces will fit in. Everything will fall in place. Just wait. Hope. Hold on. And watch. There’s going to be some magic. You’ll be fine. We’ll all be good. We’ll survive to be happy, together again!
Much love,
Keep smiling 😊
Your purple heart lady, forever!
