बातें शुरू होती हैं।

गुड मॉर्निंग और
गॉड नाइट के बीच
कई दफे हम मुस्कुराते हैं
कभी कबार निराश भी हो जाते हैं।

पर इन सब के बीच
सबसे अच्छी बात ये होती है कि ,
जब दिल में कुछ हलचल हो,
या कुछ ख़ास एहसास हो,
तो उसकी याद आ जाती है।

सोने जाने से पहले
गुड नाइट कहना याद रहता है।

बिना कुछ ज़ोर डाले,
बिना किसी शोर-गुल के,
बिना किसी ताने-बाने के,
ये कब हुआ,
कैसे हुआ,
कुछ मालूम ही नहीं पड़ा।

बस अब सोचती हूँ,
तो अच्छा लगता है।
अपनी जेब भर लेती हूँ,
सोच सोच कर ही।

💜

Dear Blue Heart!

I read what you had to say to me, and because there's just no way I can tell you so many things over there, I'm going to do it here.

There's nothing moving beyond you, and what I have with and for you. Just always tell this to yourself, because I may not be there to say this to you, no matter how many times I want to. Okay?

Now, I know there's so much you want to and need to know. But you also know why I'm not being able to do it. It does not mean I don't want to.

Accha now instead of ranting, I'll tell you a few things.

Remember all those nights when I taught you to talk over whispers, taught it to you to such an extent that you could literally do it better than me? I miss that, because nobody else has been able to learn that ever again. Not that I've tried, but even if I did, I know nobody can ever surpass the level that you reached. Aur yaad hai, they were all little stuff, stupid conversations, half of which made just no sense. Most of which was either of us ranting! :P

Remember all those mornings when you called up asking me to hurry up and not get late, cause you'd be there waiting for me, on time -  right outside the gate, trying your hardest to convince me to bunk the lecture, and I almost would (except when it was Tax). I topped that subject you know?

Sunn, I know all those little things made all the difference, and now that they don't happen, it feels incomplete. But its not like that, I don't know how to convince you of that.

Accha, I'll tell you the little things you want to know.

So, Badi mummy, bade papa, aur wo (I hope you know whom I'm referring to) yahan par. Wahi unka sick mentality, which I'm sort of getting used to, or at least trying. They annoy me highly sometimes with the rude things they say and do, and I loose my calm, but then somebody or the other calms me down. Yahan itna hi hai, made no new friends here. Accha, aur ek cousin cum friend hai yahan who's getting married. She got engaged a week ago, and I feel shit scared after it. Feels like ham kya sach mein bade ho gaye hain? Itne bade already?

Aur ghar pe, Yamini ka JEE nhi clear hua, so she's trying for Manipal or SRM or other colleges in south (for obvious reasons), aur Yashu ka Medical ka kuch pta nhi kahan hoga. So, beside my studies, those two are on my head. Gamu n Vedu have grown more notorious than when you met them. Mumma is okayish, she's also learning to ignore (better late than never). Papa's back abhi. He'll go back after my exams, when I come back here.

Aur kya bataun, aise achanak yaad karne se kuch aa hi nhi raha dimaag mein.

You remember how I used to show you (usually read kar ke sunati thi) something I'd written? Ab yahan koi hai hi nahi, and there are so many pieces lying just like that, without a review from anybody. School mein kuch log the, phir college mein I found Navrang and you quite jaldi, par yahan to do saaal ho gaye hain, and I've found nobody. NOBODY!!! Such a loner I feel like! But not really, I write, forget that I'd written it, and then read it many days later, and pat myself for it ;) I'm getting used to the idea of myself.

Han to the other day, I was watching Permanent Roommates because I was bored. And I was watching it probably for the third time. I love Mickey yaar. And his Khhoooll! and the way he says, "Hi Tannuu". And the way he's always so sorted and stupid, and he's just too good to be real yaar. So okay, when I was watching it, I was reminded of my love for role plays, which I'd buried deep somewhere. Listen to Ankit Chadha's Dastangoi on Kabir. And then imagine a conversation between Shakespeare and Ankit wala version of Kabir. Maza aa jayega. I wanna do that in real. My shakespeare fantasy that is. :D

Okay, I'll write to you later now.

And never ever let such stupid thoughts take over you. Okay?

I'm far. Really really far. I'm not there to hear you when you need me to be. I don't know when that seconds of video call is going to grow longer. I don't know when I'm gonna get to give you a hug again, (for now, a few days to go). I disappoint you often. But I miss you a lot. I know what its like to not have just one person and feel something missing, but we don't have an option. This mess will clear up soon. I'm hoping it will. And we'll be back. Okay?

Umeedein rozana zinda hongi.. Phir kyun duniyaa umeedein karti nhi!!?? (yaad aaya?)

Accha suno,
Rona nahi hai okay?

Love you tons,
Purple Heart
💜💙

प्यार

जितना दोगे उतना कभी नहीं मिलेगा,

कभो थोड़ा ज़्यादा, तो कभी कम; 

जिसे दोगे, 

ज़रूरी नहीं वो उसे लौटाएगा;

जिससे लोगे, 

उसे उसके हिस्से का पूरा पूरा 

कभी नहीं दे पाओगे; 

जिससे चाहोगे, 

वो तुम्हारी चाहत नहीं समझ पायेगा; 

जो तुमसे चाहेगा, 

तुम उसकी चाहत ठुकरा दोगे।  

कभी इसका हिसाब पूरा नहीं होगा। 

इसलिये, 

ये हिसाब-किताब बंद करो, 

जो है तुम्हारे पास, जितना है,
जिस पर भी आ रहा है,

उसे लुटा दो।  

आज किसी को खुश कर दो।  

Dear Blue Heart,

I miss you. And I miss you way more than you think I do. I just don't say it very often, but I do. And there's just nothing you can do to deny this. In fact, why would you? Right? But okay, I just wanted to tell you, in my own little special way, that I really do miss being around you, hanging out with you, laughing with you, eating with you, annoying you (my *maaji* thing), cribbing to you, crying to you, calling you up to say nothing, I miss it all.

I fear losing the people I love, and the more I fear, the more it comes on me to prove itself. Every person that I've met randomly, in the most unexpected and unusual ways, has stayed with me. At least until today they have. So, you and I, two criminally normal people, who met at a juvenile center, who went on to be each other's Blue and Purple hearts, and who other people thought of as 'friendship goals', will hopefully stay too. *fingers crossed*
But do you know why I want you to stay? I've never said this to you before, but I think you deserve to know. I want you to stay because if someday I end up having a long list of sins in my name, I know you'll still be there, outside my college gates (yeah outside because you'll be too scared to walk in without an I-card), standing there with your helmet on (so nobody, at least from Navrang, can recognize you), waiting to hug me and say "Kandu, bahut bhook lagi hai, jaldi aa na". That's what I miss the most - your teddy bear hugs.

You really give me strength you know. Especially when you say that looking at me gives you strength. That's when I realize that if for nobody else, I can't let your hope down. I can't give up.

I miss being loved so hard, that you could almost turn lesbian. 😜 You might even doubt this, but yeah, I miss being made fun of (in the best way). I mean, who other than you both, would do that and get me to laugh too, especially with the kind of over attentive offensive nerves that I have?  I miss bitching to you!! 😝 Yes, that even I never thought I would!! And sabse zyada, I miss making you cry by landing up at your home, when you'd least expect us to. But, aisa kaun karta hai yar?

Ashoka Garden, the little shady places around my college, the dhaba near yours, the staircase of your college, the backyard there, that little English Dept. room or NSS whatever it was, all our 'addas', do you go there still sometimes? I think of them and I smile. I loved that staircase place. Next time we hang out, that's where I wanna go. It somehow felt safe.

I wonder when I'm ever going to have such fun-filled days again, but I know it'll be soon. May not be soon enough, but I'm getting there - slowly.

Also, I'm sorry. For everything that I feel but don't say to you. For all the times when you cried, and I felt like it too, but I held myself back. You know why I did that right? Specially on the last few occasions? Most often than not, I'm just waiting for the right time. And I know that's no valid excuse for it, yet, I hope you're getting me.

I really love you.
More.
Morer.
Morest.
Forever.
Till Eternity.

💙💜
Purple Heart. 

ईद का चाँद या चाँद का ईद?

"दिल लगाने से लग जात है

समझ आने लगा है ये कुछ कुछ अब,

आँखें मूंद लेने से  

सब ठीक हो जाता है 

मानने लगे हूँ मैं ये भी. 

जानते हो क्यूँ?

क्योंकि तुमने अंजाने में ही सही, 

यही तो सिखाया है मुझे. 

तुम वो हो  

जिसका नाम अपनी स्क्रीन पे

फ्लॅश होता देख, 

एक चंकान भरी मुस्कान आ जाती है. 

तुम ऐसे हो जैसे वो पेड़

जिसकी डाली पर बैठना 

इतना पसंद था मुझे

की गिर के हाथ की हड्डी के 

टूट जाने के बावजूद भी मैं 

उसपे अक्सर बैठने जाती थी. 

इतने शांत, इतना धैर्य,

इतने स्थिर हो तुम,

जैसे खुद आसमान पे चढ़ कर

ध्रुव से थोड़ा उधार माँग लाए हो. 

जैसे सूरज के पैरों पर पड़े 

छालों पर मरहम लगाने 

चाँद से थोड़ी सी चाँदनी चुरा लाए हो. 

जैसे मुझे मुझी के दिए ज़ख़्मों से

आज़ाद करवाने आए हो. 

तुम ना वैसे हो 

जैसे मैं सोचती थी के

कोई बना ही नहीं होगा. 

बिल्कुल पानी की लहरों की तरह. 

जिसके आर पार सब दिखता हो, 

जिसके भीतर बाहर सब एक सा हो, 

जिसके किनारे बैठे, 

जिसमें पैरों को डुबाए

हर शाम गुज़ारने को दिल करता हो. 

तुम अभी मेरी ईद हो, 

क्या मेरा चाँद भी बन जाओगे?"

एक और मुलाक़ात

तुम्हारा आना, मुझसे मिलना, 

इतना घुल मिल जाना, 

जैसे भरी गर्मी में, 

बिन मौसम की खूबसूरत बरसात, 

जिसका आना या जाना तय नहीं, 

बस होने से है एक बड़ी मुस्कान. 

जैसे घबराए शेर को 

एक शेरनी का प्यार.  

"तुम न बड़ी खूबसूरत हो

उस सुहानी रात की माफिक मुलायम सी

जिनमें हवाएं सर्द होती हैं

और

तारों की छांव कोमल

अच्छा सुनो,
ये भरी गर्मी की अचानक बरसात है ना 
इसकी ठंडक है सिर्फ कुछ दिन की होती है 
फिर से दिन में धरती में आग होती
और रातों में आसमान में बेचैनी

तब तुम आती हो

उस दूर सागर से

चंदन की चादर ओढ़ के

अपने ऊपर कस्तूर की शाल डाल के

एक ठंडक बन के

मेरी रूहों को तर करने के लिए

उस दिन की बेचैनी को कम करने के लिए

मुझे लोरियाँ सुनाने के लिए

कानों में कुछ मीठा सा गुनगुनाने के लिए

अपने सफर की ढेर सारे किस्से लेकर

उन्हें रोमांच को चाशनी में घोल के

मेरे कानों को मीठा करने के लिए

और फिर मुझे गहरी नींद में ले जाने के लिए

अपने सपनों की दुनिया में 

अपने वंडर लैंड में 

जो सही गलत से परे है

पता है,

सारे दिन के पहर 

उस रात की इंतज़ार में काट लेता हूँ

और चाहता हूँ कि 

ज़िन्दगी भी ऐसे ही

मेरे गर्म धूप और तुम्हारी 

ठंडी छांव में गुजर जाए 

धीरे धीरे

आहिस्ता आहिस्ता

मुझे कोई जल्दबाजी नहीं"