Gulshan

You trouble her. Even though you don’t do her physical pain, your presence is hazardous for her mental wellness. I wonder what caused you to be so weary of other people’s pain. 

You undo her of her respect, neglect her presence each day, and yet, she returns you a whole hearted warm smile if you, someday, happen to smile at the person behind her, and she mistakes it for herself.

She’s the gem of a person that you’re not willing to accept today. How I wish I could tell you that she’d be the one to put her heart and soul into seeing you smile, if you were ever get that tensed look on your face again, only if you stop dragging her through, giving her so much pain. 

You’ve yelled at her, every time you got the chance, when you saw there was nobody around to stop you, and your awareness of the fact that she’ll never come back at you to return those painful tremors that you’ve pushed her through. Remember I called her a gem? This is precisely why I did. 

She’s the dark dancing night, with bright stars lit, and a moon shining white; the peace you’d feel when you roll on the floor, laughing. She’s a delicate flower and the raging oceans, both at the same time. You see how rare she is? I wish you could see her through my eyes. You’d be able to then explicitly see the shelter of her colorful skies during scary thunderstorms and be knocked down, breathlessly, in her amazement. 

I remember seeing you looking at her in tilted glances, searching for one wrong move by her, and then putting her under scores of bashes that she gulped down her throat so easily, and walked out the room, smiling, like she had just been offered so much care.  You see why I said she’s both a delicate flower and the raging oceans together? Even with her delicate looking face, she can take in all the rage and still be as calm as the oceans, and dance through the lonely dark nights. 

Her heart is like the one that has been washed with rain time and again, and its easy for her to forgive. But do not mistake her forgiveness for a sign of her giving in to you. No way. She’s strong as hell. She may have been chaotic someday, but she’s bold and can very well clear up the mess herself. It may take her a while, but she’s got her way with the ‘Secrets of the Sea’, and in no time you’ll see her swiftly fly towards her horizon, a Unicorn. 

And you’ll again be left with nothing on your hands, breathing one gasp of air at a time, regretting the pain you gave to her, which she embraced like the best of her gifts. And there you’ll be, silently wishing to have seen all the times when she said something stupid, only so we all could smile. 

And to her, if she ever comes across to realize that this is about her, there’s something you should know – 
“Karma will come back to them. For now, let us just believe in the power of hope, and wait to see things fall in the right place. 

And maybe we’ll let time decide for itself what is right, and what wrong.

Be strong, girl. Keep Smiling, come what may. Its actually your smile they envy. Their relentlessness will serve our purpose.” 

To my Blue heart Lady!

To my blue heart lady,
(yes, that’s how I can best describe you!)

Its not very often when I talk my heart out to somebody; not that I don’t like to share how I feel, but however hard I may try, it just doesn’t seem to happen. I just can’t get myself to find the right words. But like every normal person who dreams of having a love filled life, a dreamer, I too wonder of times when I’ll be able to have all that I’ve yearned for – love, more love!

So today, when I’m yearning for so much of it, I’m willing to empty out my pockets to you. I’m willing to share all of it with you. And mind you, only with YOU.

You may think that you’ve reached your lowest point, but then there’s more to you. And it comes out when you least expect it to. And it surprises you with how much you can still take in, how much you can truly endure. It tells you, always, that you are more than who you’ve thought of yourself to be. But if it hasn’t come out yet, maybe you haven’t had much to take in, and haven’t reached the lowest yet!

Just the other day, I read somewhere that somebody got her soulmate’s first few words tattooed, and I wondered how my first few words would suit your wrist maybe, and I swear, I burst into a laugh. Imagine having ‘Rejected piece’ tattooed on any part of your body! God, such a nightmare it would be, right?

Anyway, keeping the joke aside, I know you’ve lost enough people lately, most for the good though. And you’ve had to deal with it all alone (actually, not literally). I’m sorry I left you all by yourself with no notice at all. But I guess that’s how it was meant to be. That was probably one of his strategies, you know, to help us both grow stronger.

But there’s more that I wanted to tell you. I wanted to say to you that things may not be okay between you and your father, at the moment, and that’s fine. It’s okay for you to shut yourself up in a corner and close the doors for us all. I do not mind when you refuse to meet me on the very few occasions when I can see you, even though deep inside I’m constantly begging for you to turn up. Its alright to have lost both those people whom you referred to as your best friends. Things will eventually fall in place.

We all have those phases. Everybody does. You need to just trust the wait. It’s going to be worth it. I promise!

Its hard to believe how we met, randomly spoke utter shit and nonsense to each other, and then something happened. There was a spark. Yes, that was it. We never had to say it. You’d know how I felt and what I just needed. And I can never forget how you landed up at my home just after a few pleadings from me, when I had a fractured leg. And that day I had so many things to tell you, to show you – my love for Hopetown, topped the list, with many more to follow. I remember that was the first time I cried in front of you – cause this one person didn’t treat me well, despite everything.

I’d seen you many times before we started getting along well. You always seemed to come to my notice. We’d never talk. But I remember having seen you so many times before, cheering my team for the sake of having somebody to cheer yours too! *winks*

Well, come to think of it 3 years later, its absolute magic to me. Nothing more beautiful, other than Hopetown of course, has ever happened to me. And with you, even when we’re sitting on the last bench of a sweaty warm room, I can feel the cool breeze of our cold winter rides blowing in my face.

I can’t describe to you how content I feel when you write to me a long note, in your scribbled haywire handwriting, that you see the soul of an 80 year old woman hiding under the skin of my 20 year old childish face, and your timing is fabulous – you said this when I was fighting with the rest of my world, hoping for them too, to be able to see a brighter side of me. And then I think of all the times when you’ve been too low, and I wonder how you could miss all that beauty inside of yourself when you could spot that little thing buried deep inside me, just two days after I met you for the first time. And in that moment, I wish I’d been there for you. I wish I’d been with you, to rub your back when you cried and tell you that your nose had turned red. I wish for a lot of things to happen, but sadly none do.

Listen to me. I’m going to come back. I’m going to fix all of this up. I’m going to make it alright again. Its really messed up here and I do not know how long it will take for me to tidy this up, but I promise I’m going to come back. It may not be soon enough, but just hold on please. Hold on to me, and to yourself.

And every time something pulls you down to emptiness and gloom, tell yourself that the game has begun – Chal beta, Khel shuru ho gaya hai! Breathe deeply. Hold yourself firm and calm. Just keep hoping. Shayad kuch chamatkaar ho hi jaaye. You will make it through, just like you made through all the storms previously. And tell yourself that you haven’t come this far to give up now.

Think of all the good things that have happened to you. Even the thought of my mickey mouse like brows could make you smile. Recall the marigold smell that you think I emanate. I want to be around you, but because I can’t, I want you to smile with all our good times going on in your head.

While I’m typing this, I wonder how your face will look when you read this for the first time, wanting to read through all the lines in one single gaze, and I wonder what I’d say to you if I were sitting right next to you; maybe I’d just say what I’ve told you earlier – our grand kids will have to listen to our ‘kisse of togetherness’. I wish I could have written this out on an A4 size paper with black ink, in my handwriting, neatly, everything like I usually do, and then read it out to you in my voice, in the right tone, with the right pauses, and then fold it back and hand it to you. And I know you’re smiling right now, reading this.

Dear blue heart, you’ve got so much love inside. Give it to yourself. You deserve it more than anybody else does. And though I may not say it to you as often as you do, I love you too. And I miss you terribly. And I miss singing the nukkad choruses with you. I miss discussing our plays, before our team allowed us to. I miss discussing how that guy in that play looked so cute, and then stalk that team for his details maybe. I miss memorizing those songs and singing them over and over again, until the others – who didn’t belong to the nukkad family – shoved us away.

We’re going to have our share of the good times soon. With so much wait, maybe he’s planning a huge surprise for us. Trust the wait. Trust your gut. Trust me. And wait! We’ll be back. All the pieces will fit in. Everything will fall in place. Just wait. Hope. Hold on. And watch. There’s going to be some magic. You’ll be fine. We’ll all be good. We’ll survive to be happy, together again!

Much love,
Keep smiling 😊
Your purple heart lady, forever!

A Very Happy Birthday To You!

आज उसका जन्मदिन है। और उसे मिलने वाली हज़ारों दुआओं में एक मेरी भी है। फ़र्क केवल इतना है के जहाँ वो बाकी सभी लोगों के दिए गए उपहारों को देख कर खुश हो रहा होगा, वहीँ मेरा ये छोटा सा ख़याल भी शायद उस तक कभी पहुँच ही नहीं पाएगा। 

शायद जन्मदिन की भीड़ में उसे ख़याल तक नहीं आएगा, पर, मुझे उम्मीद है कि दिन के ढल जाने पर, जब वो रात को सोने जाएगा, तब, अपनी आँखें बंद करते वक़्त, शायद, उसे मेरी याद आएगी। और शायद, आज एक बार फिर, वो अपना फ़ोन उठा कर, मेसेजेस में मेरा नाम ढूंढ रहा होगा, के कहीं मैंने इस बार भी, कुछ सालों पहले की तरह, आख़री में तो विश नहीं किया ?

पर इस बार वैसा कुछ नहीं होगा।

तब, शायद, वो कुछ सालों पहले वाला, रात 11:59 pm को भेजा हुआ मेसेज, "I wanted to be the last one to wish you. Happy Birthday!", को पढ़ेगा, और अपने होठों को एक छोटी सी मुस्कान में फैलाएगा, और उसी के साथ, हज़ारों पल उसके दिल में लौट आएँगे, ज़बरदस्ती।

या फिर, शायद, दिन के ढल जाने पर, वो रात को जब थक कर घर लौटेगा, और बिन कुछ खाये  वो अपने जूते उतार कर अपने बिस्तर पर टूट पड़ेगा, दिन के सबसे ख़ूबसूरत पलों को दोहराएगा, और कुछ ही पलों में, खुद को अपने खराटों की लोरी सुनते हुए सो जायेगा।  और उसके दिल में मेरा कोई ख़याल नहीं आएगा। 

Whatever thought it is that crosses your mind, whether I'm a part of it or not, I wish you a very Happy Birthday and a great joyous year ahead. May you get all the happiness you deserve! :)  

Forever

The sky had all its
children under its arm,
while the oceans envied
the stars that were
caressed by the moon.
And with every drop of rain
that added little bits to the sea,
it raged outwards,
towards the shore,
to hungrily grasp some more,
and to leave behind
it little children - the starfish,
to starve, strive, and die.
The sky definitely proved
to be a better mother
than them all,
for it has kept
all the oceans and the seas,
and all of us, the deadly
creatures, withing the span
of its arms,
since forever.

या कुछ और बात है?

हम रात को ही क्यों सोते है, 
कभी सोचा है?
नींद तो सिर्फ एक बहाना है, 
अँधेरे से डर सबको लगता है।  

चाहत - 2

जब जब मैं तुमसेआज़ाद,
अकेले, इस दुनिया की
सैर करने की चाहत बाँटती हूँ,
तुम बस हँस कर
उसे टाल क्यों देते हो?
वैसे, जैसे मैने कोई
मज़ाक किया हो।
जब भी गर्मियों में
मैं बिना बाजू के
कपडे पहन कर बाहर जाती हूँ,
तुम मुझे ज़ोर से डाँट कर,
बदलने को क्यों कह देते हो?
शाम को अगर कॉलेज से
कभी, दोस्तों के साथ
घूमने जाना चाहूँ मैं,
तो तुम हमेशा,
बिना सुने ही,
जाने देना से
इंकार क्यों कर देते हो?
और अगर कभी ग़लती से
 तुम मान भी गए तो,
इतने नियम - क़ानून
क्यों थोप देते हो मुझ पर?
जानती हूँ के तुम्हे
मेरी फ़िक्र होती है,
पर अपनी फ़िक्र से
मेरी चाहतों को क्यों
घोट देते हो तुम?

अरे, खुली सांस लेने की आज़ादी,
और तुम सब के साथ
थोड़ी खुशियों भरी यादें
ही तो बटोरना चाहती हूँ मैं।
बड़ी हो गयी हूँ
और साथ ही,
मेरे सपने भी तो बड़े हो गए हैं;
उन्हें हासिल करने कि दौड़ में
मैं भी शामिल होना चाहती हूँ।

क्या सच-मुच कुछ
ज़्यादा चाहने लगी हूँ मैं ?

चाहत

सर्दी की धुंधली सवेरों में,
हवाओं से बचते-टकराते,
खुले आसमान के नीचे,
मैं दौड़ना चाहती हूँ। 
मैं ऊँची आवाज़ों में
सुरीले-बेसुरे गाने गाते हुए,
बेधड़क नाचना चाहती हूँ;
खुल कर, पेट पकड़ कर,
ज़मीं पे लोट-पोट होकर,
हँसना-हँसाना चाहती हूँ मैं।
किसी ऊंचे पहाड़ की
चोटी पे चढ़कर,
मैं वहां से गिरने के
डर को भुलाकर,
उस नज़ारे को अपनी आँखों में
कैद कर लेना चाहती हूँ।
किसी के साथ घंटों बैठ कर
अपने दिल की बातें करना चाहती हूँ,
और जानना चाहती हूँ कि
की क्या वो भी यही चाहती है?
मैं किसी का सहारा, और
किसी के ख़ुशी की
वजह बनना चाहती हूँ।
और जब ये सब कर के
मैं थक जाऊँ , तब,
अपनी माँ की गोद का
सुकून चाहती हूँ।

क्या मैं कुछ,
ज़्यादा चाहने लगी हूँ?

मतलब

आज चुप हूँ, इसका मतलब ये नहीं
के मैं बोल नहीं सकती;
हँस रही हूँ मतलब ये नहीं
के उदासी से कभी मुलाक़ात नहीं हुई।
अकेले चल रही हूँ, मतलब ये नहीं
के मैं साथ दौड़ना नहीं जानती;
घाव दिख नहीं रहे मतलब ये नहीं
के मैंने कभी चोट नहीं खायी।
हाँ, मैं खुश हूँ,
और कभी किसी से कहा नहीं,
पर इसका मतलब ये तो नहीं
के मुझे आपकी याद नहीं आयी।

~

~ ~

There hasn't been a day when I haven't missed hearing you call me from the kitchen to have a meal. I cry out to you sometimes and I know you do get worried, but you've made your child strong enough to hang on and fight and emerge stronger! :)

Realization

I do not smile all the time. I am vulnerable. I often feel lonely and insecure. I may not have the prettiest of faces and am a little out of my mind on a few occasions. I skip my bath sometimes and have messed up way more than an average person does. I get cranky, dress up weirdly sometimes and I may not be the best choice for you.

SO WHAT?

I am the heart of a person and that's how I'm supposed to be - Absolutely Imperfect!

But you know what's still nice?

Besides all these imperfections, when I sit down with just myself, in the corner of a silent abandoned place, I am able to smile.

I am able to smile, not because I'm happy and not because I had a good day. Its because, I know where I have gone wrong and that I have a lot of things to work upon, and because I see clearly where I stand. And most importantly because, I can feel who I am - This is how it is now. in this moment. And nobody can ever take this away from me.

My view about myself does not change with anybody else's ever fluctuating view. Because, If I don't believe in myself, nobody will; if I don't care about myself, nobody will; and If I can't love myself, then I have no reason fr anybody else to be able to love me.

I am able to smile because of this realization that has dawned upon me. And nobody, Nobody can Ever take This away from me!

ठीक किया ना ?

कल रात एक बार फिर
मैं झूठ बोलने वाली थी,
कुछ ग़लत नहीं किया था मैंने,
मैं बस डर गयी थी।

पर तुमने मुझे रोक लिया।

हाँ जानती हूँ के तुम
ये सोच रहे होगे
के तुम्हारी-मेरी तो
लम्बे वक़्त से बात भी
नहीं हुई तो फिर कैसे ?
 मैंने एक लम्बी सांस ली,
अपने एक हाथ से
दूसरे हाथ को पकड़ा,
और उनकी हाँ में हाँ
न मिलाते हुए,
पहली बार,
अपने लिए लड़ी मैं।

कल रात एक बार फिर
मैं झूठ बोलने वाली थी,
पर तुम उसी वक़्त
मेरी यादों में आ गए।

और तुमने मुझे रोक लिया।





#IRememberEverything! :)

दरअसल

आजकल सब मरीज बने हुए हैं ,
रूठी महोब्बत को लिए रो रहे हैं।
अरे हम तो कहते हैं , इश्क़ कर ही लो,
ऐसा, के दिल टूट ही जाये।
दरअसल वो क्या है न,
अभी स्वच्छ भारत अभियान चल रहा है:
कोई सजी महफ़िल देखने जाए न जाए,
बिखरे टुकड़ों को समेटने,
कोई तो आ ही जायेगा।

अफवाह

लफ़्ज़ों में था नहीं जो 
अश्कों में बह गया 
ढूँढा उसे पूरे अम्बर में,
अम्बर से भी पीछे कहीं वो छूट गया। 

हमारी ही पलकों तले
छुप कर बैठा था वो,
ये दिल भी न पहचान पाया जिसे,
ऐसा गुमशुदा ख़्याल था वो।  

ढूँढ़  ढूँढ़ कर जब हम थके नहीं थे 
वो छुपे हुए थक गया था,
तक़ल्लुफ़ में खोया खोया सा 
अपने आप को ढूँढ़ रहा था। 

परदों के पीछे पुकार
साँसों को उसने आवाज़ लगायी,
तो ख़्वाबों ने मुस्कुरा कर कहा 
"अरे रुको न मैं अभी आयी"। 

पहाड़ों के नीचे और आसमां के ऊपर 
हर तरफ़ खोज की,
पर किसी के हाथ ना लग जाऊं,
ऐसी ज़िद थी उसकी। 

उसके होने का एहसास 
उसके खो जाने के बाद हुआ,
अब मन में सवाल एक ही था 
के न जाने वो हमसे ख़फ़ा क्यों हुआ।  

खामोशियाँ हस्ते हस्ते रो पड़ीं,
नज़रें उसकी तलाश में लग गयी,
नक़ाब हिम्मत का ओढ़े ,
अफवाह सी उड़ती ये ज़िन्दगी 
जाने कहाँ चली गयी।

INVICTUS

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeoning of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

BY:  WILLIAM ERNEST HENLEY

〜〜
This is one poem that has always kept me going. There was a time when I had a copy of it stuck in my room, inside my cupboard, on my bed, on the bathroom  gates and even in my bunk. And I wonder how I sidelined it in the past 2 years. It gives me the strength to go on and to be my own master! :)